My next steps in fundraising...

Please consider donating the price of a coffee to my campaign. I'm trying to lose 72 lbs in weight in 52 weeks for Macmillan Cancer Support.

I'm really sorry to announce that the Mighty Hike through the Peak District has been cancelled due to Covid-19, so I'm going to move on to my next fundraising enterprise for Macmillan Cancer.

I've lost 52 lbs in weight over the last seven months – matching my original goal. I hope to lose 20 lbs more before the end of August. But that's just not enough. The weight has been coming off, but I've only raised a fraction of the money that I wanted to raise.

So, I have decided that in the next five months I will take things up a notch. By the end of August, I now further pledge that I will also grow my hair back.

If you know me, you may assume that I suffer from male pattern baldness. We know what assuming does, don't we? It makes an ass out of you and me. But you would be right.

With everyone in lockdown, this is absolutely the right time to use a tried and trusted method that scientists know about and that I have seen on YouTube. I am adopting a two-fold methodology that combines Percussive Calval Attenuation and Nocturnal Follicular Thermal Stimulation.

The former method has traditionally been associated with ritual humiliation of men with receding hairlines (or slapheads, as they are sometimes known), but it also fosters therapeutic widening of the capillaries as blood rushes to the site of percussive trauma, in medical parlance, the “slap site”.

In the second method, we know that a woollen cap or “tea cosy” is often used to disguise hair loss, but it is less well known that wearing such a cap to bed also retains body heat, focusing it locally in the area that Doctors call “the bonce”.

I started using both these methods two weeks ago and I am already seeing results. The results are that my scalp is very red and sore and I can't sleep at night because my head is too hot, but they are results nevertheless.

I also smell of Baby Bio, because I have been rubbing it into my head. Actually, let's be honest, I smell of Worcestershire sauce because we're in lockdown and that's the closest thing I could get.

When I return to work, after the lockdown, I promise that I will have a full and lustrous head of hair and it will totally not be a hair-piece that I bought on Amazon for £48.99 plus postage and packaging.

If you wish to support me in my weight loss and, now, hair gain endeavours, please donate using my Just Giving link.